ok so i dont get it. like...i guess i am a kinda likeable person. unless i just think that. lately i really bothered by the fact that i have no friends. i have tay and jillian (who like..doesnt count cuz shes family!) and my mom doesnt help me at all. liek ... its a saturday and im 15 i should be out so shes liek "whata re u doing today?" and im liek "i dont know i have no one to call to hang out with (seriously the truth)" and shes like "OMG U NEED TO GET FRIENDS WATS WRONG WITH U U NEED A GUIDANCE COUNCELOUR UR SUCH A SNOB I HAD A BILLION FRIENDS WHEN I WAS UR AGE! THERES SOMETHING WRONG WITH U! U R GOING TO BE SO ALONE IN UR LIFE IF U DONT START MAKING FRIENDS NOW! START JOINING CLUBS...THATS HOW YOU MAKE FRIENDS WITH PEOPLE!" and im liek...omg she just makes me so depressed. liek i want friends. im NOT a snob. its not my fault that im kinda shy! liek im NOT shy but when im totally open people look at me liek im crazy and weird and turn their heads away! so like...other people make me too scared to open up. i hate feeling this way. i mean...i dont feel good about the fact that i have no friends and im always a little upset about it but every weekend and day off when i have nothing to do my mom is liek "U NEED FRIENDS!" and she says that whole above speech and i get all depressed. now i just wanna liek slit my wrists i fuckin hate my mother at times. she can be so mean. how do i know what my problem is? i just cant make friends!

omg this christmas was SO AWESOME! omg ok. so last night i went over aunt barbi's mom's house and hung out with julie and christy! then i was MAD too excited to go to sleep so i stayed up till 3 am pacing around my room. and then i liek woke up at like quarter past 8 int he morning! and i was liek OMG SOO EARLY! but i was SO EXCITED! and my mom was already up so i just got up to savor every second of xmas! so then i went downstairs and i got SO MUCH ROCKY SHIT OMG!! too much to list but like this xmas was so warm and cheerful! i loved it omg! htis morning brian even came over witha ggift and diana did at night omg it was so crzy i LOVED this year! me and my mom got along SO well too!! i feel fortunate ot have a mom liek her!

OMG! tonight i went to the mall with bekkah. it was rad. haha. we were walking around after we ate lunch and all the sudden someone came up behind me and put his arm around me. im liek WTF? and it turned out to be thomas! so i was liek DUDE! WHATS UP? and him and his friend anthony were walking around it was SO FUNNY. they ditched their other two friends and then we walked out to best buy outside. ahah and then thomas gave me his coat and hes liek SEE THIS IS HOW YOU BECOME BOYFRIEND AND GF WITH SOMEONE IN 7th GRADE! and then anthny is like YEA THIS IS HOW U BECOME BF AND GF AS A SENIOR *starts undoing his pants*. omg it was SO FUNNY! haha then thomas liek..high-fived him. omg tho these kids are crazy hes like OMG IM SO HOT I HAVE 2 SHIRS ON! and then he lifts up his shirt and theres a shirt with tags on underneath! so im liek DID U STEAL THAT? and hes liek NO THEY DID FOR ME FOR MY BDAY! omg i was liek OMG haha but it was mad funny. so then he takes a pack of claires earings outta his pocket and hes liek HERE U CAN HAVE ONE! and he liek lifts my hair off and hes liek DUDE U DONT HAVE UR EARS DONE? and im liek NO IM CHICKEN! and hes liek OH WE CAN DO IT FOR U! LOOK LOOK MY FRIEND DID MINE ITS FINE! and then anthony omes over and hes liek YEA SEE IM FINE TOO THEY DID MINE TOO! and im liek YEA..NO! haha so then we went back in and we were chillen around it was so funny. the whole time thomas kept his arm around me! haha i loved it. so then anthony took my camera and he was taken random pics of everything. and then thomas is like MY HAIR IS FLYAWAY! I NEED TO PUT SOMETHING IN IT!! so then we went into CVS and he was putting like all the products in his hair it was so funny. then there were these 3 black girls and him and his three friends went over and were liek HEY GIRLS WATS UP?? MEET ME IN THE MALL..ITS GOIN DOWNN!! omg it was soo funny! haha . omg and then anthony emptied the girls purse all over the mall floor to look for the needles they were uysing to pierce peoples ears it was SO FUNNY. so then we are standing there and thomas pulls out his lighter and anthony pulls out his and mohawk kid pulls out his and they are liek YEA WE ARE IN A GANG! and then anthony like..FLICKED the flame at me and i wa slie OMG!! i like screamed. haha then thomas kept like...touching my leg haha and he kept his arm around me. then he asked me for my number os i gave it to him. haha. then we were walking out and bekkah was all freaked out so she went into forever 21 cuz thomas wanted me to go outside with them before they left. so i wa sliek ok sure. so bekkah was liek KELSEY NO! IM NOT GOIN! IM GOIN IN EHRE! i felt bad but i realyl liek him so i went with thomas. so then we were standing on the upper level diagonal from forever 21 and thomas is liek WHATS UP WTH UR FRIEND? and im liek oh she was scared cuz u guys had needles and lighters and u stole stuff. we are good girls. and thomas is liek UR NOT A GOOD GIRL! and im liek..YEA I AM! and hes liek YEA I AM A GOOD GU U KNOW THAT KELSEY! so then i called bekkah and im liek BEKKAH CHILL WE ARENT GOIN IN THE CAR WITH THEM! and thomas is liek OMG U THINK IM A CREEP! OMG! and i was liek OMG NO I DONT BUT SHE DOESNT KNOW ANY OF U AND SHES FREAKED OUT1 and hes liek ok. so then bekkah came up and we walked to the door and he gave me a huge hug and left. i seriously LOVE THIS KID!

woo..this halloween rocked A LOT! haha. ok so on friday i went to a party at ashleys house! it was MAD FUN! it was ashley, me, bekkah, andrea, renee, jaz, steph, caitlyn, ashley k, her bf, leandra, and tony. omg it was SOO FUNN! we hung around and then we ordered the movie ARE YOU SCARED from on demand. omg it was SO GROSS AND FREAKED. it started out with this girl walking around this like..weird obstacle course thingy and she was all chained up. and she had liek one minute to complete this task. and every 10 seconds a voice would come over an intercom liek 60 SECONDS! and everytime it came her neck chain would cut her neck and it was bleeding hugely. so then she like..had to dunk her head inside a tub of water and do something under there but it was really acid and it showed her face like burning off. and she was walking on glass and it was OMG SO GROSS. so then we changed the movie and we watched ILL ALWAYS KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER. that one ROCKED. it was mad scary cuz the fisherman freak kept killing ppl with this huge fishing hook and it showed all gore. but it actually ROCKED!! omg haha. so then on saturday i went to the ACT party. it was ok. at first it was mad boring cuz like..the only songs they had were like..jesse mccartney and backstreet boys seriously from like 1995! so then we were hanging around and we kept requestin rent but they said they werent allowed to play it. SO CUNTY! seriously are they weird? anyway..at the end it was MAD fun cuz me and hayley were grinding and dancing dirty to the cha cha slide like..on chairs and stuff and then the moms that were there were lookin at me like i was a slut. omg it was GREAT!! haha. so then last nite was halloween WOOT. bekkah was a FREAK as USUAL! i asked her to go trick or treating around our houses and then shes liek CANT! and im liek y? and she sliek I CANT! and she was being so weird so i just said WATEVER TTYL. so then i called ryan omg it was MAD FUN. my mom drove me to his house and then we started trick or treating around there. haha omg then we got lost but then he figured out where we were. haha. omg trick or treating is mad fun. ahaaa. we went to this house that had cupcakes and drinks! so then ryan TOOK a drink and he like..drank some and hes liek THIS TASTES LIEK OLD PPL! and he spit it out and then we were walking to the next house and he still had the drink and he put it down on the old guys porch and he looks like pissed that he put it there. so ryan was liek SORRY ILL PICK THAT UP IN A SEC! and i started CRACKING UP and i had to lay on the ground next to his porch and the guy looked at ryan and said "WHATS IN THAT GLASS, WHISKEY?" omg that made me laugh WAY MORE! omg! so then omg we went to KFC! omg it was SO FUNNY! i had cat ears and like whiskers drawn on my face and we went in like TRICK OR TREAT! and the ppl looked at us all mad and then hes liek NO JKJKJKJK! so then we got those snacker sandwhiches and OMG! there was this WEIRD guy there that knew one of the workers and he was fliting with her and he was at the table next to us like standin up almost humping the chair. and then my fruiend was liek EKLSEY LOOK! and he was behind me humping my chair! so i like...jumped over and moved and we both started cracking up HYSTERICALLY! omg!! and then these weird ppl came in with freaked costumes and we were sloling. so then we left and on the way back to trick or treating ryan liek..fell and his candy went EVERYWHERE omg it was SO FUNNY. we were picking it up liek lying on the floor outside a hair salon and the peeps were liek lookin at us weirdly. i think everyone thought we were drunk. haha. so then we started walkin again and eventually we got back to his house and then we asked his mom to drive us to saugus to meet one of our friends there. so she did and we met her and we were standing outside her friends house talking and freaking. omg it rocked! haha. but today i feel dead. i woke up to shadow ligit HOWLING in the hall and my mom was like SCREAMING "SHADOW SHUT UP!" and she kept screaming it and then shes liek "OK U KNOW WHAT SHADOW? U R GOIN DOWN THE CELLAR!" so ehe like..picked her up and tossed her outside! it was freaked she is SO WEIRD! omg yea last night my dad came over with a cupcake and a card for halloween. and my mom is liek A CUPCAKE AND A CARD? WHAT ABOUT MONEY? and im like I THOUGHT IT WAS NICE! and shes liek OH REALLY? IF U THINK THATS NICE THEN IVE BEEN STUPID ALL THESE YEARS! A CUPCAKE AND A CARD HUH? WELL>..LETS SEE HOW MUCH A CUCPACKE AND A CARD DOES NEXT TIME YOU NEED MONEY FOR THE MALL! ILL GIVE U A CUPCAKE AND A CARD AND ULL GET REALLLLLY FAR! and she was SCREAMING about it! shes so childish LIGIT! i cant say i thought something he did was nice cuz shes like...in a competion with him or something! shes so weird! and then later i went to eat the cupcake and it was all smashed on the counter! she smashed it! IM TELLING U SHE NEEDS MAD HELP!

omg last night i had the WEIRDEST DREAM! Me, Jenna, Ryan, Hayley, and Chucky were walking down the street after the Halloween Party at the hall (Which rocked) and it was like midnight. so then i dont know..like..next door there was this AAA meeting and everyone was out and standing around outside and hall and we walked by and these weirdo guys started following us. and then this guy was like to me U MAKE ME SO HORNY COME ON GIRL LETS GO DO SOMETHING. and he was like..pulling me back with him and my friends like..didnt care they kept walking! so im liek OMG NO STOP STOP STOP! omg and then brian was randomly walking down the street and hes liek GET THE FUCK OFF OF HER and he like..saved me! omg it was SO WEIRD. so then i was randomly with david joyner and im liek CAN I WALK HOME WITH YOU CUZ IM SCARED TO WALK ALONE IN THE DARK! so hes liek YEA SURE. so i walked with him but his house was WAY before my house so i stopped at his house to call my mom to come and get me. and then weird stuff with cats happened at his house but i dont remember what !!

so..ive negelected this journal. a lot of shit has happened since i last wrote. umm....mike asked me out. now im avoiding him because i realized i dont like him and i dont wanna hurt his feelings. but ill save that for after. ok so on friday night i slept over bekkahs house. it was MAD FUN OMG. first i went over and we chilled. then we saw employee of the month. it was good. especially dane cook's in it and hes SO HOT. ha. so then we ordered pizza and ate at bekkahs place. then we chilled around and danced to music. then for like a full hour we took pics of ourselves and modeled. haha it was MAD FUN. ahh..then OMG. we got so bored. so bekkah ordered like...a 10 minute ab workout from ON DEMAND. omg it was so funny. i couldnt do any of the workouts or anything. hah i was cracking up. me and bekkah were lyin there trying to act like the gym ladies on the video. so then we went to bed. haha i woke up at 8:00. i was looking around and i glanced over at the grandfather clock cuz the numbers were big enough for me to see them without my glasses or contacts. and i see 8:00 and im like WTF. so i look over at bekkah and she is like..SOUND asleep. so then i was just lookin around cuz i thought everyone was asleep. and then tami like..came to bekkahs door and poked her head out and waved at me and i felt freaked like a weirdo stealth spy on the house. but then i ended up goin to sleep again till 10:00. yea...so then on saturday me and my mom went to target and i got ... umm...a shoes (wich im returning for cramped feet), and umm one more thing i forget. HAHA. so then on sunday i went to rehearsal. but NO ONE came. so seriously all we did was sing our solo songs and leave. so then i called my dad to shop for mimi essentials. we went to the garment district. haha. OMG THAT STORE IS BOMB! it has the coolest stuff. i would def shop there for stuff other than halloween. talk about dif. thats what i aim for. dont fit in. thats the garment district all right! so i found these AWESOME boots that all i need to do is make them giraffe or leopard to be mimi-ish. whatever's easier. umm..then we went to target and i got an itunes card. WOO. i needed music. haha. uhhh....oh yea monday. me and tay went to the mall. OMG CRAZY DAY!! ok so. we got there and we went in spencers and hot topic for halloween stuff (i got fishnets to rip for mimi). omg i love those stores around halloween. they are BOMB. haha. so then we were hangin out. i got some stuff in claires. thats pretty much it. so then we were walkin down near macy's and this guy jumps out from this like...nail salon push cart thingy and hes liek GIRLS GIRLS COME HERE! LET ME SEE UR NAILS! so me and tay started laughing but we did anyway. so hes like TSK TSK BITTEN CUTICLES. so hes like dabbing this lotion on our cuticles. and then he like..grabbed my hand and brought me over to the cart and took out a buffer and hes like shaving my nail off. so then hes like covering my nail and he goes OK I KNOW UR A GIRL BUT TRY TO CONTAIN UR EMOTIONS WHEN U SEE UR NAIL! and it was so cool tho it was all shiny and awesome like i painted it with clear polish! it feelt like that too! and then hes like OK THAT WILL STAY LIKE THAT FOR ONE MONTH! USE THIS BUFFER ONCE A MONTH! so then he takes out this lotion and hes liek OKOK WHAT SCENT-LAVENDER, PEACH, OR LEMON? and tays like LAVENDER. so then he squirts it in our hands and hes like YEA GREAT FOR AFTER SHAVING UR LEGS THATS WHAT I USE THIS FOR...JK JK! YEA BUT GREAT FOR LADIES FOR WAXING! and it was SO FUNNY. and then he sliek THIS KIT..! NOT 60 DOLLARS! FOR U...ITS 29.99!! the hes like ARE U GIRLS IN COLLEGE? and were liek HIGH SCHOOL. and hes liek AHH HIGH SHOOL..SENIORS? and were liek SOPHOMORES. and he like AAHH OLD LOOKING FOR UR AGES!! and then we are like..UMM..and hes like WHAT SCENT DO U WANT?? and he let us smell them and tays like PEACH and hes like AHH PEACH SEXY SCENT FOR SEXY SUMMER..SEXY PEOPLE! and hes like YES YES. and then tays like I ONLY HAVE 2 DOLLARS! so hes like FOR TWO DOLLARS I CAN GET U THE SECOND BEST PRODUCT I HAVE HERE! A COTTON BALL! TAKE THIS AND RUB IT ALL OVER UR BODY IN THE SHOWER AND IT TAKES OFF ALL THE DEAD SKIN! omg it was SO FUNNY! so then we left and i got an ice cream but tay wanted one from the machine but it ate her money. so then we went to the other machine and she got a soda. so she takes the soda and we are walking thru sears and it explodes all over the floor and theres a trail of grape soda on the floor in sears and im cracking up and tays like THIS DAY IS SO MESSED UP! haha that made me crack up even more. ahh and then today was ugly school. i have three tests tomorrow. and i am failing everything ! and tomorrow is progress reports so..yea. GROUNDATION STATION in my house tomorrow!

omg. so..me and mike have been talking a lot. and...he told me he liked me but he didnt want to ruin the friendship we had formed. and then he asked me who i liked. and i ended up admitting to him that i liked him too. but omg im so confused. im really like..whats happening between us? should i go by "give in to love or live in fear?" or like..."COME BACK ANOTHER DAY!!!" i dont know. i really like him but i feel like .. im not ready for a bf? thats STUPID! i liek him but hes not OMG SO HOTT OMG FAN ME. but hes cute and he makes me feel good. thats a good thing! i feel liek his crowd wont accept me because im more preppy than them and they are like...all goth smokers. and yea...i feel like my mom wont let me date and that ok. like...i have so much stuff to do after school and my mom is liek HOMEWORK TIME so i cant go os i have NO TIME For a bf! but i want one. and also ill feel awkward i think..but..idk maybe not with Mike. antoehr tihng I CANT KISS! and i feel liek i wont be able to ill be liek AAHH SORRY TEACH ME? and hell be liek NO?!!? and omg i cant even type on this im so nervous. but i dont know why because i like him back. its not like with kevin. this is mike. and hes nice and sweet and he makes me feel good. SO SHUT UP!

lately nothing has been happening. school sucks. i am getting B's on EVERYTHING so far. it sucks im pissed. and then uhh...lets see..updates....oh yea. ok on friday 5th period i was in BL1 for bio and some of the kids had to go into the next room to get microscopes for our lab and i was looking in to the other class and OMG. the students were lined up next to the table with trays and the teacher had rubber gloves on and he was opening a bucket thingy. and im liek, WTFFF. and then i was liek OMG IM FREAKING cuz when he got the bucket opened he was taking out FETAL PIGS from inside! they were all nasty and dead and they had like nasty gut strings hanging off of them that he was like smacking off and one of them was purple and nasty and omg i was getting mad queasy watching so i had to look away. it was GROSS. i am NEVER taking anatomy. haha. i would give myself an F cuz i would refuse to dissect a fetal pig. thats disgusting. but on other shit..uhh...2nd floor lockers rock. i get to go to my locker after almost every class now. woo. ha. umm hmm well on friday night me bekkah and michelle went to the football game. it was mad fun. we won 48 to 0. wooo. we rock! haha. it was great. then i went over bekkahs house and watched the notebook. omg i cried for 10-15 MINUTES STRIAGHT at the end. SADDEST movie i have ever watched without question. omg. and then today i went to the mall with tay. i got that pocketbook i wanted from H&M, the Armor for Sleep CD, and a rock n roll tshirt. haha. omg in spencers there was all this halloween stuff out. like these MAD tall statues of bloody peeps with bloody chainsaws and weirdo costumes it was MAD COOL. i cant WAIT for halloween woop woop Mimi! and omg there was this MAD COOL worker in there. he had this like...black robe on and he had this huge goblet in his hands. and me and tay were standing in the aisle and hes liek EXCUSE ME GIRLS, DONT MAKE ME SPILL THE BLOOD OF CHRIST! omg and then we were leaving and he was like GOODBYE MY CHILDREN! omg he was AWESOME. haha. and omg in that puppy store they have a little kitten in a cage at the front its SO CUTE. its like a little gold tabby kitten. aww. ok..tomorrow i have to wake up at 8am cuz CCD is at 10. omg thank god its my last yr. confirmation is gonna suck tho. omg. haha. umm...oh yea and then rehearsal. and then some random homework cramming before school. woo for that. school is the fucking bane of my existance. omg i forgot about this: i was talking to bekkah at the game and she said she was taking to Scuzz at school and hes friends with Kevin and she said that scuzz said that kevin said "ooh yhea...kelsey is finally hot enough that she can have me and shes not takin her chance." and i was liek OH YEA?? THAT KID IS A FUCKIN CUNNNTTT I HATE THAT BITCHASS. seriously i do tho. such a cunt. he fucking masturbates in class. hows that for ya? yeaaaaaa watever, bitch i dont even like youuu.

nothing has been happening. i did nothing on saturday. then sunday was rehearsal and homework cramming. today was the usual. got stared at by Kevin, and when he came in i looked at him and almost burst out laughing thinkin about Bekkah saying "YEA WHEN UR GIRL SUCKS U OFF MAKE SURE UR GUYS ARE AROUND AND THEY JUMP OUT WHILE U KNEE HER!" and her saying "YEA AND HES JUST PLAYYYING WITH HERSELF". then i was just sitting there randomly and i almost started sloling thinking of her message on my phone, "hi FUCKFACE! i am not a slut i only sleep with the...FOOTBALL PLAYERS. its not my fualt ur the ugliest whore!" haha godddd luvv yaa bekkah. haha. so on fri we are going to the football game then im sleepin over the cunts house. =*. itll be bomb and we will be whores together screaming and grinding to out tonight in her room. haha on the street. hahahaha. well...i got my new locker today. it sucked tranferring all my stuff there but now i have a 2nd floor locker thank god. omg and my mom flunked her mammogram AND her papsmear so we dont know whats gonna happen. but no sad thoughts yet....

ok so i last posted 6 days ago. almost a week...and NOTHING has happened. which is why i havent posted. but yea...um. umm..the last 6 days...have been a blur of school. so it was nothing good. but i will update about today. ugh...we had the Siddhartha test. that reeked. and then we had a geometry test. but whatever about tests. after school i found a knife in my locker and it took forever to get to someone to tell them and then mr baldi walked up with me to my locker and looked thru it and looked around the fourth floor but nothing was there. so then he just told me for being a good person i could have a 2nd floor locker right near my homeroom. omg thank god i love mr baldi. haah. omg so um..then after school bekkah called around 5 and we went to the mall. it was mad fun. i bought leg warmers, a ring, a bracelet...and..yea thats it i think. but it was fun. so then we went back to bekkahs and just hung around like the cunts we are. we rock. oh sorry i have an obsession with cunt today. bekkah soils my mind. luvv yaa girl. but umm..now im home..yea. but omg that kid still stares at me in class and bekkah told me he was a perv. he is on XC with her. and she said she always catches him playing with himself..which i actually did before too and it grossed me out. and then she said that he said "WHEN YOUR GIRL IS SUCKING U OFF U BETTAH MAKE SURE UR FELLAS ARE NEAR AND U REAR BACK AND KNEE HER" and i was liek omg that cunt. i hate that kid. he constantly stares and it omg makes me so annoyed. i wanna turn to him, flip him off, and say TAKE A FUCKING PICTURE, DUMB ASS PERVY CUNT, IT WILL LAST FUCKING EONS LONGER, BITCHIN MOFO. but i wont cuz i dont have the balls. haha of course i dont . =]. ummm...uhh...more stuff to update on.. omg there is a new ipod nano that looks liek a mini and i want it SO BAD its not even funny. its so mean. apple and ipod sucks and its really mean. but bekkah is mad funny and i think im hallucinating now cuz i just heard a weird noise and now im freaking out. brb. dude im back but im still trippin. ha. ok well..i dont really have anything much else...oh no i do. i walked with stef lai a couple days ago when my mom had her mam
mogram appt (which she failed =[) and while we were walkin this guy was liek DAMN UR BEAUTIFUL and it was WICKED scary. omg oh well. haha random updates. welll...gtg. byeeeee chicckkk.

ok so this whole weekend i hung out with bekkah. umm..on friday after school i went over bekkah's house and we watched movies. um but yea i already posted about the movies. and then on saturday me and her went to the mall. i didnt buy anything but bekkah bought three bras at body basics. omg and we were gonna get manicures but we decided to get ice creams instead. omg while we were waiting in the line at J.B. Scoops this weirdo old guy came over to me and said YOU LOOK REALLY GOOD! IF I WAS TAKING PICTURES I WOULD TAKE URS! TO HELL I WOULD! and me and bekkah exchanged weirdo glances and i just said THANK YOU to be weirdly polite. but uhh....then we went back home and we walked around town. but omg this person was following us right? ok. so we were walking down the street and we saw a car back into a driveway and he was staring at us walk. so then we passed the car and he started moving again SLOWLY. so then he went down the street we were just about to go down and we were mad scared but we went down it anyway to get to her house. so we went down and we saw the car slowly comin back up and he was starin again and we were MAD FREAKED by then. so then we walked back to bekkahs house MAD scared and she was liek OMG KELSEY THAT IS HIM AGAIN! and she said she thought she saw him across the street from her house so we liek RAN into the house and locked the door. haha omg then we watched Wild n Out AGAIN (but i love it..haha...shes teaching im learnin my ruler is burnin...hahahaa) and we danced to RENT songs and took wicked funny pics. and then we had subs and tami drove me home. haha it was mad fun. but then today i went to rehearsal..and yea..NO ONE was there! but i sang my songs and me and renee worked on some scenes. OMG Brian wants renee the same height as me for the parts (im 5'5" and renee is 5'0") so she has to put 5 inches on her! so hes liek WE ARE GETTING U SOME 8 INCH HEELS I KNOW A PLACE IN THE CITY I HAVE TO CALL THEM TOMORROW! haha omg poor renee if i were her i be liek HELL NO IM WEARIN NORMAL SHOES. haha. but yea. then we came home and i walked around with the cat and saw this HUGE mosquito and freaked and ran inside fast. then i did my homework from like..6 or 7 to now. no me gusta tarea. =[. and i have to do the fucking lab tomorrow night cuz its due tuesday. ew. oh well. school...life...it sucks. haha. nono life doesnt suck. just sometimes. but yea... lately ok..physcological part of my journal now. lately i feel really weird like....im never gonna be able to pursue a career that makes me really happy. like i want nothing more than to go to new york and be on broadway and MAKE it as a working actor. but its so damn hard. i mean..i have to MOVE to new york SOON im thinking since im already a sophomore. but i feel like i cant move like...i told my mom that maybe wen i graduate i want to either move to new york to live or to go to school and shes liek NO U CANT LEAVE ME I WILL BE SO LONELY! but .. ok..i either make my mom happy or i fulfull my dream. i mean..if i stay in this town forever ill always wonder what i could have done if i went to new york and tried pursuing my dream! and ill never be happy. idk im so confused career-wise lately. our guidance counselors are all liek U SHOULD HAVE ALL UR YEARS PLANNED OUT! WHAT COLLEGE ARE U GOING TO WHAT CAREER ARE U GOING TO HAVE? and i dont know any of that. i mean..i want to make good money doing what i love. but in order to do what i love i have to work shit jobs until .. actually..if i even do....get an acting gig. and im not sure..but i dont think broadway actors even make that much.idk. but i dont wanna be in deep shit with debt and money always worrying about where the next dollar is gonna come from like my mom does. i mean..i want to get OUT of the projects. my mom has lived here almost her whole life and i think she deserves better! i think I deserve better too! i mean..i dont wanna be stuck in this hellhole for my whole life! idk...thinkin about this is making me depressed..and confused. idk.

so today blew. first that random kid from history and bio aked me out. and god i dont like him! i dont know why he doesnt get the hint tho! i mean he ALWAYS follows me and talks to me and im just liek "yea..yea.." and i try walking away but he follows. and omg. hes just like "so do u want to do something saturday?" and i was liek "i have no clue what im doing....." and hes like "well...just give me ur number.." and in my head im liek OH MY GOD! NO I DONT WANT TO GO OUT WITH U! cuz i really really dont at all. im dreading the sound of my ringtone! its not even funny. so i just was like "uhh...yea here" and i typed it in but i DONT WANT HIM TO CALL ME! its FREAKIN BAD. but tomorrow i am going out with bekkah anyway i think. if not bekkah than tay. you know..i always say that i want a boyfriend..but i guess i really dont. i mean...he asked me out and im SCARED now! i cant ignore him cuz hes in two of my classes. god i hate when boys ask me out that i dont like. why cant i get asked out by boys that i do like? i mean...ugh. like...i dont know it never works out the right way. like in the movies. i want life to really be like that. love comes so easily and the one u like always likes u back. thats total bogus. that never happens in real life and i think im about to give up on love even tho i havent even had one boyfriend yet. i feel like im still not ready for one and yet i kinda want one to grow up. like..i am 15 years old...a sophomore in high school and i still havent had one boyfriend..or one kiss even! i dont know for some reason tonight i am really depressed and i just want to cry. omg and this other thing happened to me today. bekkah came to my house so we could walk to her house to have our movie night (we watched RENT and A Walk to Remember. omg it was so fun we laughed for forever. i love bekkah). so we were walking together and i was a little bit in front as we crossed the street. one side of the street was clear so i started crossing. on the other side there was a car that seemed to be far back in the lane so i started crossing. but omg when i started walking across the lane the guy SPED up the car and i had to VEER TO THE SIDE OF THE STREET TO AVOID GETTING HIT! if i hadnt moved i would have been dead right now cuz he was SPEEDING. like i am not exaggerating AT ALL ONE BIT! i started walking and he sped up and i had to jump back QUICKLY, just avoiding being hit head on. and i was like..standing there in the middle of the lines in shock that he like..tried to hit me and on his way driving by he like..CUSSED AT ME thru his window! hes liek FUCKKKKKK UU! or sumthin! it really freaked me out. liek totally. i feel really weird about it now cuz if i had been one second late moving i would be dead or in the hospital at this very minute. it really freaks me out to think of that. i dont know it was really weird. i kind of wish i took down the liscence plate cuz he purposely tried to run me over. but i didnt think of it when it happened, i was in such a state of shock. anyway..i dont even know what im babbling about. i have a lot of other thoughts on my mind right now like..my hate for school and homework...and my love for RENT and everything it stands for (god everytime i watch it my obsession becomes renwed and greater). but yea....i gtg. i feel really creepy and depressed and...i dunno. im gonna go do..stuff....

omg so i love taylor. i am sooo happy and in a good mood just after talking to her. yay taylor i love u!! i am wicked glad we are biffles. yay a&f. haha its not abercrombie and fitch. ahha.

so yea...its been pretty much school school school lately. umm....i stayed in sunday and monday doing my work ALL DAY!! i finally finished it on monday night at like 11:00. gosh that was brutal. thank god thats over. anyway that kid still talks to me. i dont know if he likes me or if hes just friendly but for now its whatever. umm...oh yea i definitely think that i did the bio notebook wrong! shes liek OH YEA U SHOULD HAVE DONE THIS AND THIS AND THIS! ALL THIS INFO WAS ON THE WEBSITE! and none of us knew what website she was talking about...or what she was even talking about in general. anyway im really bored right now and i still have homework but im putting it off and my mom is downstairs watching House but i wont cuz that shows disgusting *shields eyes*. but yea....thats all. if i think of something else ill post.

Ok so yesterday me and tay went to the mall. haha it was fun. i bought two shirts from Forever 21, the Paramore CD and this random eyeshadow. haha. Tay got one of the same shirts i got from F21. we always get the same stuff...we rock. =DD. omg this is great. in the food court we wanted to put the tables together and stand on them and sing some of la vie boheme but then we decided against it cuz we saw cops in the mall earlier and they would like....kick us out or call our parents or sumthing. but then we went to the pet store thingy and omg it was so cute. there were puppies all running around the store. 4 of them. they were all playing together. me and tay were surprised that they werent running out of the store. haha. ok so then we went to a few more stores and then called Lori to pick us up. she said she would be there in like...a half hour or sumn like taht so we just went outside and waited. ok so we were sitting on one on of those thingies outside sears..liek platform thingy. and there was this pole next to it with this random old looking paper attached to it that said liek "LIVE ON THE BEACH THIS SUMMER!" and it had like..the stats for some random beach houses but at the end there was a lot of blank space so i got out my pen and wrote "RENT FOREVER, BITCH! DIEHARD RENTHEADS! MUCHO MASTURBATION!" haha. it was GREAT. then we just sat there singing RENT songs. haha we always sing RENT SO LOUD in public and people look at us but we dont care. we sang another day, out tonight, today 4 u, and lvb...and some of tango. so then we got to my house and we like...were randomly hanging around. i showed her my rent bible and then we ate some pizza. then we played guitar hero and it was being spazzy. haha. so then we played with my Sims 2 RENT family. omg it was SO funny! we were cracking up at everything that was happening in the game. haha god we played for like 6 hours. then my mom wanted to go to bed so we like..sat liek zombies on the couch watching like..celeb fit club 4 and then we decided to go to bed. haha. omg and then in the morning we had cinnaon roles and we played sims for a long time. haha then taylor didnt feel good so we hung around my room listenin to music until her mom came. yea and now im supposed to be doing my work but im procrastinating again. so bye.

today was weird. so..like. ok first of all i have no idea why but i have SO much homework this weekend. Ms. Abatinozzi loaded us!! shes hard i think...already. =(. omg and then today i wore my RENT shirt and this boy thats in a lot of my classes was liek OH, GOOD MOVIE about my shirt and im just liek OH..YEA cuz it was from the play..but oh well. haha. and then weirdly at lunch. OMG ok this was SO FUNNY. ok so this random freshman (omg i cant stand them they piss me off!) was outisde at lunch and i saw him coming down the steps and he like..tried to to a trick and hop over the ledge on the stairs but he like...did it wrong and fell thru the bushes and was liek HURT BAD. so teachers rushed over and i was kinda close so i could hear what he was saying. he was talking to mr okeefe and hes liek I THINK I DISLOCATED MY FOOT! RUSH ME TO A HOSPITAL! and then the principal came over and then him and some nurses like..dragged him into the school cuz he couldnt walk on his leg. and OMG it was SO WEIRD! ok so then on the way in i passed by mr okeefe and i was finishing off my water bottle before going back into the building and he was liek THATS SUCH A TINY LITTLE WATER BOTTLE! and then i laughed and hes like WELL THEN AGAIN UR SUCH A TINY LITTLE GIRL. omg it sloled. i love mr okeefe *miss*. ok then i went to math and the same kid who talked to me about RENT is in that class with me and he like..stole my calculator during class and i was pissed sorta weirdly. and then i went and got it back from him. so then after class he like...caught up with my walking up the stairs and he randomly started talking to me (oh well..it was just flirting) haha. and then hes like WERE ARE LOCKERS NEXT TO EACH OTHER LAST YEAR? and im liek YEA..YEA and hes liek YEA U FIXED UR HAIR IN UR MIRROR LIKE 54372 TIMES A DAY and then i laughed embarrassedly cuz its true! so then i was talking to him about how my locker got broken into a hundred times last year. and then he was liek just talking to me until we had to go separate ways to get to our classes. it was weird. but it felt good. so then in orchestra we are trying to fundraise and raise money to take a trip to new york. but weve been trying to do that for liek 3 years now. haha. but omg..then after school i was walking and i saw that kid who fell walking home and he was limping SEVERELY! so he really got hurt but omg it was SO FUNNY i couldnt stop laughing when it happened!!

So this year seems like..i dont know. way different than last year. i already miss my precious freshman year. i bet it was the best year ill have for the rest of my high school career. oh well. i miss my teachers. these teachers seem strict, hard, and mean. i dont really like them. oh well thats life. umm..i kinda like my schedule. but i might have to get it changed! cuz ms donahue wants me to switch to honors spanish. but if i do that my whole schedule will have to change and i dont want to have to adapt again. and i dont want a different teacher cuz she is SO EASY. we had like ligit 4 quizzes all year and they were all SO easy. i know some people in my classes. allen is back from military school. hes in my homeroom. he got really old lookin. haha. umm....mostly the same people that were in my homeroom last yr are in it this year too. stephanie and renee and felicia are all in it so that good. im happy i have some friends in my homeroom cuz this teacher is like....mad mean. hes like NO FRIENDS! I DONT WANT UR FRIENDS IN HERE BEFORE THE BELL! so whatever. who doesnt walk around before bell? oh well wtf. haha. i always did but this guy is a fucken freak. haha. whatever. umm...omg my bio teacher seems SO MEAN. shes liek U CAME TO THIS HONORS CLASS BECAUSE UR UP FOR A CHALLENGE! ULL GET 2 LABS A WEEK AND TESTS AFTER EVERY CHAPTER. U WILL BE WORKING INDEPENDENTLY. U WILL BE TREATED LIEK ADULTS NO BAD BEHAVIOR TOLERATED. THIS COURSE IS CHALLENGING! it was weird. me and amanda were scared of her. haha. at lest BL1 is air conditioned cuz its a new portion of the building..like an addon. haha. and i have a study in CL1 and the labs are ALWAYS aced cuz they are all new. haha. um....later im going to staples to get some school supplies for this year. i dont know this year seems really hard. omg my locker is on the fourth floor and i dont even have any classes up there so i have to carry ALL my stuff around teh building all day cuz thers only 3 mins between classes = no time to treck up to the 4th floor to get my stuff and then go to like...the basement. haha. oh well. this is hard. im scared. i cant flunk.

so ive been lazy so i havent updated but yea. a couple days ago me and bekkah went out and walked around. some hot guys checked us out..and some gross ones. haha. but yea. then we went to fridays with her parents. it was fun. good food. then yesterday i slept over tays house. it was fun. like....saturday night we went to the movies with her friends cinthia, civia, and doug. they were really nice. really unlike the ppl at ehs. but yea. so then we went home and we watched rent. yay. haha. and then we slept. yea. and then i skipped rehearsal cuz i felt gross. but yea. it was boring. and then i worked on some summer work. and now tomorrow is school. im really nervous. i dont want to get back into the swing of school and stuff. oh yea..my mom is really weird. thats all.

lately its been really slow. umm..yesterday me and bekkah got the bus to the mall. that was wicked fun. HAHA. we waited for like AN HOUR for it cuz we didnt know the schedule. but once we got on the bus it was really extra fun cuz neither one of us ever ride. haha. but then yea. we shopped around and then we ate some lunch. then we were waiting to get the bus back to the city and our bus came and the lady was liek THIS BUS DOESNT GO TO THAT CITY!! so me and bekkah got off and i called my mom and she picked us up. HAHA. so yea. then me and bekkah hung around the city..like hitting all the parks. haha. it was pretty fun. then today i didnt do anything. i was supposed to go to another mall with bekkah today but she cancelled. her dad needed the car or sumthin. so then i called like ALL my other friends and they were all busy so i was stuck inside. =[. so then i just like..watched tv, played sims, and got online all day. well i did get out for like..20 minutes to go down the street to the drug store to get some face cleanser cuz i was all out. but other than that.... anyway. it was really weird goin down there. i browsed the cleansers and made my choice. then i just walked around in the makeup aisle and the hair stuff and the school stuff aisles. haha. then i paid for my stuff and left cuz i felt outta place. like they were gonna think i was a random teen stealer. haha. so anyway..when i was walking back home there were these random boys hanging out in an alley way near the park and they were liek WOAH HEY PRETTY LADY! wen i walked by. that freaked me out. once i got outta their sight i ran a lot of the way back home. but then i got home and me and my mom had a HUGE fight cuz she told me the cashier ripped me off my $10 with my change! so we fought forever until she finally believed me that she didnt jip me and i didnt go out with as much money as she thought. but yea. then i played sims forever and then i watched uptown girls and now im on here. i was gonna talk to jillian but i forgot she had orientation tomorrow and she had to go to bed early. so shes asleep right now. that seems crazy. but anyway...i guess this is the emotional part of this entry. ok. so i made this thingy like...a pact sort of thing..with myself that i wouldnt worry what other people think of me. like...just do my thing. if people dont like the way i look then too bad right? wrong. i am so obsessive. i always want to please everyone. like..i am so fearful of people thinking im ugly or have a gross fashion sense or something. im probably sounding really dumb. but i dont care. be me. be me. dont worry what other people think. i just have to remember that. like..i want to be like that for my sophomore year. it seems like the really confident people with loads of self esteem always have the most friends. and people like me like...shy with really low self esteem dont have as many...arent as popular. but do i really want to be popular? does popular mean not being myself...falling into all the trends of the "popular" clique? i dont really know anymore. and then theres this thing with my mom. i love her with all my heart but..i feel liek she doesnt understand me. i dont want to hurt her feelings but i want to be alone or with friends...not with her. its not that fun to hang out with her anymore. im growing up. she realizes it but she just loves spending time with me. i know she doestn understand me. i mean...everytime we really try to have a conversation we get into a fight. lately it seems like shes a really old lady and she doesnt understand anything from my generation of people. i dont know anymore. like..ok. she was telling me how she doesnt want me moving away ot college cuz shell be too lonely. and i told her i wanted to go to college somewhere awesome..like nyc (not like thats gonna happen). but my mom wants me to stay in the state! like..right near home so i can still LIVE with her. and i dont think ill want that. ill want to be accepted and party wiht all the other college kids and itll be WAY harder to do that if im living at home. like..i want to live out my dream but itll be so hard to do that if i have to stay in this hellhole state. whatever. like..i dont want to crush my mom but then again..i dont want to crush my dreams to keep her happy. omg and then this other thing. school. i have 4 projects to do and i have 5 days until school starts. this is going ot be impossible. i dug myself into a deep rut. im not going ot be able to get myself out of it. i dont know anymore. i always feel like im happy. but then i when i express my feelings in here they always come out as if im a depressed ... whats the word im looking for?? zombie..i dont know. whatever. OMG BUT ON HAPPIER NOTES (god im so schizo). i was just thinking about the halloween party!!! i know its only august but i CANT WAIT to be mimi! i hope my mom makes a good costume...and i can get my hair into a pooofy kinky curly afro type thing. which should be really hard since my hair is fine and thin and straight. haha! oh well...

today i went to the dentist. it was mad weird. i was extra scared today for no reason. omg and the hygenist lady gae me cookie dough toothpaste and it tasted liek SHIT no lie. so i actually gagged so she had to change it. and then after the dentist was pullin my chain tryin to get me to believe that my teeth were a mess. hes like OMG WHAT ABOUT THIS TOOTH? OMG WAT WILL WE DO ABOUT THIS? OMG! and i was freaking out inside liek HELP. i thought he was gonna say like i needed route canals and fillings and bad stuff surgeries done to my teeth. it scary. but then after i realized he was just kidding and he said my teeth were fine. but anyway..i hate this fucking computer. its slow and delayed and i need to get a new computer for my room asap. but anyway. i dont like feeling weird. i feel like..i donyt know. i dont feel like and indiv. i feel lieka copy. who kmnows i dont know what im talkinga bout. bye,